Welcome to my journal!

I made this page to write down my thoughts about some things.

Clean

So I've decided to actually stop using the cocktail of things I needed to get through the day. None of them actually improved my life in any way, now that I look back.

Alcohol doesn't even make me function better socially anymore, it just makes me cry. And I keep thinking of all the stupid things I said when I was drunk as a teenager that I regret all the time. I really hate myself when I'm drunk. All the goddamn times I would drink in highschool before a presentation, or at work when I was too nervous to speak with my boss, or with my friends to make me be able to react with more enthousiasm to everything. Sure, it's liquid courage, but how much of that is just in my mind? Not to mention all the money down the drain, and the hundreds of empty calories consumed. I'm honestly done. I didn't even drink on my birthday a few days ago.

Then there's cigarettes, which made my skin and teeth look like shit, and now I weeze whenever I run. I did enjoy the aesthetic of smoking, the pretty imported packs and colourful lighters. I think I must have a lighter in every jacket and every bag. And they always gave me an excuse to stand outside in the quiet at parties and to take a break at work. But why can't I just do that anyway? It's so unfair than cigarettes are so bad for you. The vape wasn't much better though. You could take a hit anywhere, anytime, so I was glued to that thing more than even my phone and got 10x more nicotine in me than I got smoking. I did love how I could just pop to the bathroom at an awful family event and hit my vape in there to cope. Even after quitting it for almost 6 months, I still feel the urge to reach for it whenever I'm studying late or reading a book. Nicotine is the only drug that ever had such a hold on me.

Everything else, kratom, weed, addies, it never really saved me like I hoped for. It's funny how I thought I would be devastated to face the world on my own without anything to dull the edges, but in reality I just feel nothing.

Coping with being ugly

I hate how even after years of studying and working and developing everything else about me, I still feel worthless because of the way I look. I'm not that insecure about my maths skills or knowledge or personality anymore, but it doesn't matter because I'm still ugly and people will never see past that in a first impression.

It's the most depressing thing how when you're frumpy and awkward, you don't even have to do much, people will just naturally be annoyed by you. And that dampens your whole person, makes you want to dress down and keep your mouth shut. There's so many things I've missed out on because I was too in my own head about my appearance. I used to be a person, at one point. Now I've fallen so far behind on making friends, having relationships, social experiences. And I only feel bad because it's just another merit by which you are judged, not because I feel like I've missed out.

I've felt like this since I was a little kid. And back then all I wanted was a friend to rely on and to talk to. Now I couldn't care less. You can't exactly undo the emotional damage.